Posted, but only after much deliberation.

I would like to die in a way that absolutely everyone agrees is a despicable way for a life to end. I might begin to deserve the hate for who I was born into, then. 

Time delivers us all to the same end. All is futile. All culminates into nothing. There is nothing to do but wait for our short lives to end, and so end the human race, and so end the earth, and so end the universe. 

We are nothing but a potential fragment of a dead universe's past. 



I saw my mother's soul escape from her body with my eyes on the night that she died. This event made me want to believe in god. A single soul does not a god make, though. I cannot believe in god simply on an emotional basis. Wanting something does not make it true. My mother's soul left her body at sunset and will never return to her body, this is all I know. This does not mean there is a god which can direct or punish and reward the souls of the once-living. I cannot believe in god and so cannot believe in any future other than a long, cold, drawn-out death for existence.

I seem to be trying to do things that are important to me. I understand that I will not be an ECE working in daycare for the rest of my life, but I am doing it now because that's what I want to do, that's what I'm good at being recently. Maybe I'll be a librarian in 15 years, I have no idea. I won't limit myself to one thing for the rest of my life, because I know that it's too limiting. If, two years later, the things you learned have slipped away, you probably haven't used those pieces of knowledge in that time. Is that fair to say? If that is fair, is most of our education irrelevant? Should we, as a group who doesn't remember facts from two years ago, be concentrating on experiential knowledge instead? Is the fun inherent in learning the theory worth the time and money we spend on it if we never use it? I remember my more important classes, because I live what I've learned. The ECE field is very practical most of the time and so the lessons stay with me. I use English most of the time so my English lessons stay with me, though parts of speech are normally lost as soon as I leave the classroom. (Seriously, I'm going to fail that exam tomorrow.) But ask me to write an essay on this or that and I can draw on what I have learned and cram it all into a few pages with direction and flow, because that's how I always do my work. Though you might not guess it from my journal.

In a book I am reading, one line went like this, "One possesses in another person only what one changes in him." Except, when reading, I made out that fragment as if it were about loce instead of possession. A question formed as I read:

Is love a form of possession?

My first instinct was to answer "yes," because of a feeling of propriety I have towards my wife. At the same time, I wonder if these feelings, while certainly connected, are distinct and independant of one another. If the pained, stolen emotion I perceive when even a small part of her drifts toward another, the welling up of that proprietary feeling, is not directly love, but a cause of love, then isn't the statement I thought I read false, even if the actual written statement were true?

When one gives one's self to another person, one is not possessed unless one is accepted. If both parties give themselves over to one another, then a true bond of love forms, a requited love. If then, each person possesses the other in the manner in which he gave himself to the other, does not this exchange of possession form sort of mutual possession? 

Can Unrequited love be the same thing? In some cases I would venture to say that no, it can't be the same thing. Envision a fanatic madly in love with a pop idol. The idol doesn't know the fan and cannot acknowledge his love even in the simplest of ways. This kind of love simply forms an obsession in the fan. On another hand, a one-sided exchange of possession is possible with only side being in love with the other. Imagine a sexual slave who has given themselves over to a dominatrix and who may even love the person they have given themselves to. The domme may acknowledge his feelings even if she does not feel them stir within herself towards the person who has given himself to her. This might be an example of unrequited love as a form of possession, though it is an inverted form in which the possession is given, rather than taken.