Dark Waters

I've felt lost and scared recently, like an impostor living the life someone else built. Possibly, I don't believe I am allowed to be happy. I know that I'm nervous about my upcoming internship: how the staff will see me and take to me, how the children will, about all the work that's being heaped on me as I am being thrust into a strange environment. I am nervous that I don't know where I'm going to be next week, since I haven't gotten the details of it yet. 

I'm afraid the security I afford the girls is a lie, that I wouldn't be able to support or direct them in times of emergency or crisis. 

I have the week off and am wondering how I will spend it. Work that should be done isn't getting done. Spending my days, useless, is depressing me. I am trying to find something to accomplish. 

I wonder if other teachers are this indecisive and lost. I wonder how my students will ever find direction, self-control, and discipline when I have to consciously correct myself by stopping, backing up and erasing "i," typing in "I" instead, every single time. I know I am not helpless and that makes it worse, not being when I know how to be. 

I pretend to drink because I'm a grown-up. The truth is I drink because I'm a child, crying and hurt, standing behind a stoic puppet. Cheers.

I have been struggling through school this week. Thursday and Friday are my favourite days though, since my English classes land on them. Creative Expressions on Friday is ok too, but I think my professor is assuming he knows my type or something, which I am uncomfortable with. He is a good teacher though, very passionate about art, so I will put aside that paranoia and enjoy his knowledge and experience instead of ruining it for myself. My Interpersonal Communications professor told me, in private, earlier this week that I, personally, raise the level of conversation in the class. I am so happy there.

I have signed up to the last.fm music community and am enjoying the recommendations it is providing me with. I have downloaded several new artists this week. Change is good.

So much for my resolution of a post per day. It seems that I am horribly failing at posting daily. I am, however, writing a paper on children and video games which I may post here when it's in it's second draft. 

Someone at school was drawn to my laptop desktop image, which is some kind of steampunk creature in a desert town, and we started talking about anime. She's such a huge dork and kind of neat for that. We'll probably never do anything social outside of school but there it is. 

I have cleaned a thing today! A surface is clean! Two of them even!

import

I've been home for the last couple days due to illness. I don't regret missing any of it as I have the notes and handouts that I need and there weren't any tests. The family just got a new printer which does anything you could possibly want a printer to do, so, despite having to run around getting it working on our USB 1.0 set-up, it's good. I'll be working with babies in the morning tomorrow, which pretty much dictates my energy level for the day: low. I've got my English essay, due tomorrow, printed and nearly flawless. I also have a Creative Expressions test tomorrow which likely isn't going to be much fun, though it will likely be a short class. And then on Saturday I get to go do my First Aid/CPR training. T_T I am pressing to get the Anime Night disk done before I go to bed, which should be doable, but I really have do download more AMVs for next week. The ones I have are getting old. A raised can of root beer to productivity!

I had a dream about singing and school recently. 

School
Dreams about being at school often mean you are feeling insecure about your social status, your abilities or your performance in a situation. A dream that takes place in school may also be a metaphor for the lessons you are learning in your life.

Singing
If you sing in your dream, this is a lucky omen representing happiness, harmony and joy. You are uplifting others with your positive attitude and cheerful disposition. If you hear others singing but don't see them, you are trying to find your way towards happiness in real life.

Am I learning to be happy?

I have booked a First Aid/CPR course for this weekend. It's going to be a boring, boring weekend, I think. Couple that with how much I'm working as well as my school schedule, I'm not going to be seeing much or my family this week.

My mother-in-law has been staying with us since Wednesday and I haven't been using the computer as much. 

On Wednesday I went out to a pub with some friends from school. I was actually carded.. I was actually older than the waitress. We had some drinks and some fun and then said goodnight. I also got several beautiful old books from my mother-in-law. I may post some pictures of them later.

Thursday was nice in that I got to present some of the old children's books I got the day before to my Children's Literature class. The professor was very impressed and gave me some bonus marks for the presentation. It's one of my favourite classes, though, so I was happy to do it. 

Yesterday was long but awesome. I got to spend a couple hours with the babies where I work as an assistant, went to class for six hours (another of my favourite classes, English and one that tends to be more active, Creative Expressions,) then I came home only to go back out again, neVer in tow, to get some chimichongas and booze. We ended up dancing at a queer bar, I got hit on by the owner's brother and told about all the things he would do with me if only I were available. I must have been blushing because he seemed to take a great deal of joy in telling me this. 

Today I am sick and have a hang-over. I'm burning our anime night disc on my new laptop (named Monzie) but other than that the day is progressing at a snail's pace. 

I am happy with my college life, going out and doing things suits me so well.

I've had a busy day. 

First thing this morning I showed up at the baby room for some time with the kids, there was general cuteness and a fire drill during which we all shivered and jumped up and down to fend off the cold. The Chef, Alex, was sick with allergies. 

Next came the ever happy six hour period of classes. I got stuck at the very back of the class, that's what I get for being almost late. I got to show off my new laptop to a couple friends as well as one of my favourite games, Imperishable Night. Got some learnin' done, too.

Then came the dreaded buying-a-packload-of-books-and-lugging-them-all-home excursion, it went well and I ran into my creative expressions teacher, who is taking a class at the campus the bookstore is at. Then I lugged them home on an over-crowded street car. o_o'

Tonight I plan to do some chores and read the first two modules in the on-line textbook for my Child Development class tomorrow.

My laptop is sexy.

Well, I missed school today because of the OSAP money I forsaw getting in the afternoon. I idd indeed get my money and I rushed straight out with never and br0n to get some new shoes, video games and a brand new laptop. Her name is Monzie and I am currently burning her recovery disk (it takes an inordinately long amount of time to burn two data DVDs with this integrated program) before rebooting her and getting her on the network and thereby the internet. I need to buy my text books after school tomorrow and will be searching for free texts tonight online, if I can find any. 

We had dinner at a restaurant called The Pickle Barrel and it was wonderful. I had a huge, meaty tray of nachos, never had a nice looking steak and br0n had a couple fries. We had a pretty good time spending some of my well deserved loan today.