The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

I start here a blog of my activities as a Steve Jackson Games MIB, who volunteer to run games at stores and conventions as well as liaise with stores. I've been an MIB since the summer of 2009.

I currently have a gross career tally of 40 SJG points (4 of which are spendable) and have made my second order from w23.

My order includes these games: Deluxe Illuminati; Chez Cthulhu; Revolution!

These expansions: Munchkin 2, Unnatural Axe; Munchkin 4, The Need For Steed; Munchkin 7, More Good Cards.

As well as these other bits: Munchkin Quest Extra Parts; +6 Bag O' Munchkin Babes; Munchkin Kill-O-Meter; and the Mini-Chibithulhu Plush (Green/Red).

Happy day!

If I were who I wanted to be in a perfect world, I would:

-become a writer
-experience beauty all the time, surround myself with it
-travel to beautiful places
-be loved for who I am rather than who I pretend to be
-be given roses and beautiful flowers all the time
-be able to stand up for myself
-do more kinds of drugs in more quantities
-have creative sex every single day

I've gone to another first session with a therapist. This one reminds me a bit of myself and William Burroughs, and while I'm not sure if that is exactly a good thing, he's at least an interesting person. I'm going to go back. He actually called me a poet, which was a stroke to my ego if not entirely accurate. Speaking of poetry: I'd like to get together with an illustrator and get something going as far as putting If I Were A Camel and Motorcars Are Loud into a publishable form sometime soon. The problem with that is that I don't exactly know how to do that. My friend's mom knows the illustrator for the Franklin series, and I wonder if she'd be interested or not.

Actually, I didn't believe in evil until rather recently. It's been a slow slide into corruption, but I'm finally here. I'm capable of anything and actually seek out ways to be malign. I suppose everyone is right, men are the devil and the white oppressor is the enemy. I've got so much anger inside of me and I don't know where it comes from, anger towards women, anger towards men, towards myself, towards authority, towards my mother, towards people who would tell me I'm not as terrible as I make myself out to be.. You're wrong and you don't know anything about me. What do you know?.. What I've told you? I'm a liar and I've lied about my entire existence. Men cannot speak about their emotions, not because they are poor victims of societal moulding, but because our emotions, or at least mine, are unspeakably evil. Lies, lies upon lies, compound lies that deliver me to the cold, hard person I have become. I'm useless except as a destructor. The only question left is what to destroy. 

I canceled the appointment with my therapist today, I made some excuse to everyone about being sick. I had a headache but mostly it was out of fear that I missed it. I intend to go and I will call to do that but I'm not sure how much good it will do. I'm already realizing what it is to be me and no amount of talking me back will change it, even if it's successful in convincing me. If it weren't for my daughter I'd already have gone off the deep end, but I can't let her see how terrible people are, she's only six. I have a very hard time not simply abandoning all causes and people, I can never be a good person and I hate that people have to be exposed to me. What I can do is improve my mask and see if I can make the therapist convince me I have some hope of ever becoming a functioning part of society. Lies upon lies upon lies. Maybe that's simply what the world is built on and I'm a bad player. The face I make at work should be with me all the time, possibly even when I'm alone, that might help to convince me I'm something constructive.

I also hate feminism, mainly because it's made up of exclusive bitches that pick me apart based on any behavior that might be stereotypical of my cock, disregarding all other behavior that is stereotypical of other groups. Jesus christ, what do I have to do to convince you I'm not the idiot in senate who votes against abortion rights for the sole purpose of keeping women out of power? Even if I were to become a woman, these retards would never accept me. All that's left for me is to start studying business and become a poster-boy for the problem. I hate you all, you lying, cheating, hypocritical copies of me, and I wish death on most of you.

When daring the wide world, and in the brightest days,
and casting off the servitude of parents' clingy ways.
When making your voice heard, or just watching a cloud,
It's vital to remember that motorcars are loud.

The loudest noises come and hurt your big-kid ears
Even when your plans today did not include your fears.
Tipping the earth by vision's light when it comes roaring round,
A motorbike or truck or something shaking up the ground.

It's felt in the shoulders, head, and toes, and knees, and brain,
And that wish the mists of Avalon would dampen them again.
Bubbling up inside of you, it crumples paper hearts,
And bounces in your belly long after it ends and starts.

But unexpectedly, those interrupted plans
Are like reality again, you're playing in the sand.
A mother's son, a father's girl, trying to be proud,
You just have to remember that motor cars are loud.

I've left the only person I've ever truly, deeply loved, and not because that feeling has ended. Most of me wants her to walk through that door and say that she'll take me back, the rest of me wants to die. I know she will never take me back.

I am so stupid for leaving her, for causing this much damage over so many years. I wish I could go back and change it. I am so, so, so stupid.

I've spent the last few days with inever and it's been a lot of fun. We went to a gay bar on Friday, or whatever day that was, and danced with various people. I saw the queen who I thought was cute from when she was working the bar the Wednesday before, except on stage. She's such a hot slut. ¬_¬ inever got really close with this girl who seemed to be having issues with her boyfriend.. very close indeed. 

We saw The Dark Night last night and it was better than your average super-hero movie. I don't get all the hype, though, aside from it being BRANDON LEE'S LAST FILM.. I mean.. Whatever. It was really a pretty average action movie, which is to say it had an immature plot and lots of splodey stuff. The Joker was played pretty well, ~lick~ but he spoke a bit like Jack Nicholson's Joker at times, except without the commanding boom that Nicholson can project. The Joker's fleshed out thought-experiments made the movie a little tedious, since there were several of them. I still liked Batman Returns best.

I ate too much yesterday, and now I feel terrible. Here's a muxtape for you.