Sunday, February 25, 2007

Dark Waters

I've felt lost and scared recently, like an impostor living the life someone else built. Possibly, I don't believe I am allowed to be happy. I know that I'm nervous about my upcoming internship: how the staff will see me and take to me, how the children will, about all the work that's being heaped on me as I am being thrust into a strange environment. I am nervous that I don't know where I'm going to be next week, since I haven't gotten the details of it yet. 

I'm afraid the security I afford the girls is a lie, that I wouldn't be able to support or direct them in times of emergency or crisis. 

I have the week off and am wondering how I will spend it. Work that should be done isn't getting done. Spending my days, useless, is depressing me. I am trying to find something to accomplish. 

I wonder if other teachers are this indecisive and lost. I wonder how my students will ever find direction, self-control, and discipline when I have to consciously correct myself by stopping, backing up and erasing "i," typing in "I" instead, every single time. I know I am not helpless and that makes it worse, not being when I know how to be. 

I pretend to drink because I'm a grown-up. The truth is I drink because I'm a child, crying and hurt, standing behind a stoic puppet. Cheers.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

I have been struggling through school this week. Thursday and Friday are my favourite days though, since my English classes land on them. Creative Expressions on Friday is ok too, but I think my professor is assuming he knows my type or something, which I am uncomfortable with. He is a good teacher though, very passionate about art, so I will put aside that paranoia and enjoy his knowledge and experience instead of ruining it for myself. My Interpersonal Communications professor told me, in private, earlier this week that I, personally, raise the level of conversation in the class. I am so happy there.

I have signed up to the music community and am enjoying the recommendations it is providing me with. I have downloaded several new artists this week. Change is good.

So much for my resolution of a post per day. It seems that I am horribly failing at posting daily. I am, however, writing a paper on children and video games which I may post here when it's in it's second draft. 

Someone at school was drawn to my laptop desktop image, which is some kind of steampunk creature in a desert town, and we started talking about anime. She's such a huge dork and kind of neat for that. We'll probably never do anything social outside of school but there it is. 

I have cleaned a thing today! A surface is clean! Two of them even!

Thursday, February 1, 2007


I've been home for the last couple days due to illness. I don't regret missing any of it as I have the notes and handouts that I need and there weren't any tests. The family just got a new printer which does anything you could possibly want a printer to do, so, despite having to run around getting it working on our USB 1.0 set-up, it's good.

I'll be working with babies in the morning tomorrow, which pretty much dictates my energy level for the day: low. I've got my English essay, due tomorrow, printed and nearly flawless. I also have a Creative Expressions test tomorrow which likely isn't going to be much fun, though it will likely be a short class. And then on Saturday I get to go do my First Aid/CPR training. T_T

I am pressing to get the Anime Night disk done before I go to bed, which should be doable, but I really have do download more AMVs for next week. The ones I have are getting old.

A raised can of root beer to productivity!