Sunday, February 25, 2007

Dark Waters

I've felt lost and scared recently, like an impostor living the life someone else built. Possibly, I don't believe I am allowed to be happy. I know that I'm nervous about my upcoming internship: how the staff will see me and take to me, how the children will, about all the work that's being heaped on me as I am being thrust into a strange environment. I am nervous that I don't know where I'm going to be next week, since I haven't gotten the details of it yet. 

I'm afraid the security I afford the girls is a lie, that I wouldn't be able to support or direct them in times of emergency or crisis. 

I have the week off and am wondering how I will spend it. Work that should be done isn't getting done. Spending my days, useless, is depressing me. I am trying to find something to accomplish. 

I wonder if other teachers are this indecisive and lost. I wonder how my students will ever find direction, self-control, and discipline when I have to consciously correct myself by stopping, backing up and erasing "i," typing in "I" instead, every single time. I know I am not helpless and that makes it worse, not being when I know how to be. 

I pretend to drink because I'm a grown-up. The truth is I drink because I'm a child, crying and hurt, standing behind a stoic puppet. Cheers.

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