Never found a note for me in my mother's papers today:

"dear baby

i try to force myself to sleep but i'm not tired. Also i am afraid to awaken to anything else than your voice on the other end of the line. i miss your voice. Right now i wish we had no need for money or parental security and we could spend every hours deep inside each other in every way. i am scared when i cannot find you. i wish we had our own room. Today is special - a symbol of 5 months - a time we finally found each other in. But it could be any day where you are not here - i would feel the same. i am miserable, completly sad when i let myself feel the fact that you are not here. Most times i ignore it because the pain is too great. Or i think of your beautifulness. Like roses you wish you could've stolen, or words pressed deep into the scent of my neck. i love you and nothing will be felt, or seen, or experienced without a definate trace of you in my life ever again. i love you. And that is the only truth. it is permanent and it is ingrained on my soul. i will keep you forever with me, my Raven.

Love your only HAZE."

It is from Emily. Likely from one of the times in our turbulent relationship when we were broken up. I wonder if any of it is still true. I used to call her names but I think that was unfair of me. We fucked up our lives over each other and the blame lies with both of us. 

Sorry for that..